Thinking back, and I never would have thought

That I could ever be this happy...

And when all I ever hear is how sorry and screwed up I am, you find something beautiful inside of me, of all people...It's hard to believe, you're hard to believe, but I'm so willing to become a believer, if you'll show me more.


<33


"All in all, is all we are." Nirvana

The News.

The news is so ridiculous. My mom and dad are watching it right at this very moment, and it's so absurd to me. They have the stupidest stories, like how paul McCartney wrote a song for his ex wife but you wont be able to hear it because he's not gonna record it.

??????????????????????????????????? WHO CARES???

I mean is that honestly news? Some of these stories are just ridiculous. It's like yeah, that stuff's great for some loser that can't read about it on any of the millions of Beatles fan sites just a click away on the good old internet, but do we have to sit through this garbage? How about you tell me more about that mother that killed her kids or those hate crimes that you spent 13 seconds covering but can talk 3 minutes about some old wanker's song. Can you tell me about my homies getting killed in foreign countries for pointless reasons? Can you tell me about these scandalous people running my country that seek to control my life, my views, my resources, and other things as stupid as they are like what kind of lightbulbs i can use, and still seek to control even more? Tell me stuff that is actually NEWS.

Oh gosh, this world is ridiculous.

Existing

Does something truly always have to be wrong? I mean, have you ever had people come up to you at any and all times of the day, week, month, year or possibly your whole lifetime, and ask you continuously those two annoying words: WHAT'S WRONG? Honestly..that shit is so annoying to me. Okay, i can understand people being concerned, that's fine, and sometimes very reassuring to know that someone cares. But at other times, when people that never gave a damn about you come up to you when you're just sitting there, you know, breathing, existing, get in your face and blurt out, "What's wrong?" It's almost as if this random person is telling you that something is not right with you. And if you tell them nothing, they will say, "You look sad," and you could be just fine, just EXISTING, you know? Not sad or anything, and it is just UGH! Sometimes, or if you're like me, usually, it's just because of the way you look, the way you dress, WHO YOU ARE that people will always assume something is wrong. It just gets old, man. I'll be so happy, you know, maybe because someone said something nice to me, or maybe cause I'm just glad to be alive, and then that 47 faced person will walk on up, dressed in false concern, and glob on a plastered smile and ask you is you're okay, you know, because when you're me something just always has to be wrong apparently. I guess I can't just breathe, just be there, just live, JUST EXIST...



I dont mean to sound rude..This just urks me..and tonight was not by any means a good night..no..not at all... which reminds me...


WHO AM I? Honestly. Most of the time I feel like nobody..and there is this one person that can make me feel like I'm actually someone that matters, and then makes me feel like no one again..sometimes at the same time..I dont know how they do it, but damn they sure play this game well.


For any of you thinking it, dont bother, Ill say it myself.

I AM: no excuse, no one, pittiful, a disgrace, an abomination, a loser, a freak, a pessimist, an ugly bitch, a faget, evil, cold, disgusting, grotesque, a thug, a punk, no good, lousy, horrible, someone that doesn't deserve even the tiniest amout of a chance...

Thank you for telling ME what I AM. Now I know.

And I say this all with a smile, because one day I will be something to someone.

Charles manson

“Look down at me and you see a fool;
look up at me and you see a god;
look straight at me and you see yourself”
-Charles Manson<3



He's been the punchline of jokes for years, a character in a Southpark Christmas special, and the topic of several hour long specials on the Biography chanel. Yes, it's good old Charles Manson. Im supposed to blog about him, so brace yourself!


Charles Milles Manson. He's currently in jail just because he and his cult [ HELTER SKETER, beeeotch ;] ]raped, murdered and ate some people. And because of that, some people hate him and are even afraid of him. But through this post, I am going to attempt to change your mind. Charles Manson is a murderer, but he is so much more.. He's an artist, a genious, an icon, and dare I say a hero? I agree that that is a bold label for a man that is convicted for life, unable to even try for paroll until 2012 [also the year the world is supposedly coming to an end, possible connection?]. But I am not a person to judge, and I strongly believe that you cannot judge someone until you get to know what they believe in, what they think, what they've been through, what they have tried to say. Therefore, it is not fair to define Charles manson as a bad guy until you try to see things through his eyes. Marilyn Manson, a man who wanted to show the genious and pure side of Charlie as well as the dark and brutal side of Marilyn Monroe through his name, often speaks out about how people generally won't even try to see Charles Manson as a person, but as a symbol of evil. marilyn manson has recorded a version of one of Charlie's old songs ["My Monkey"], along with huge 80's hair metal band Guns 'n' Roses, who recorded a version of "Look At Your Game Girl". These artists saw the beauty of Mr. Manson through his music and embraced that. Still think he's just a psycho cannible? Download "Never Say never To Always" "Eyes Of A Dreamer" and "Man's Son" and see the artist behind the killer.


“In fact, it makes me mad when someone kills snakes or dogs or cats or horses. I don't even like to eat meat - that is how much I am against killing....” words from that "deranged murderer". He made an example of his beliefs, and that is admirable at the very least. he portrays the characteristics most of us spend a lifetime trying to obtain: bravery, honesty, beauty, determination, intelligence, an ounce of originality, need I say more? He would not be nearly as famous if he had kept his mouth shut, but Manson revolutionized the way we think, the way we act, the way we listen to a beatles song. he must have done something right.


In conclusion, no matter what you think of him, at least you think of him, so Charles Manson has accomplished something after all.




xxxxx

On Dealing.

I hate talking about this, so bear with me for a minute.. Friday, march 21, 2008. It was the last weekday of spring break, and it was also my best friend Olivia's birthday. For her birthday, me, Meagan, Hannah, and Lyndsey were going over to her house to celebrate. The schedule for the night was to go out to eat, then hit the Galleria Mall, and then go back to Olivia's house to spend the night. At 4:30, I was the only one at olivia's house. We had to go pick up Meagan on the way to the resturaunt, and Hannah couldn't come because of a death in the family. We had assumed that Lyndsey was coming, because before school got out she told us that she was coming back from vacation that day and would be there, even if she was a little late she would still come hang out with us. So me and Olivia drove over to meagan's house, picked her up, and headed over to T.G.I Fridays where we met our friend Sirgeo and sat down to eat. We figured Lyndsey would show up later or call us and meet us at the mall or somewhere. We bagan eating and joking around and you know, doing stupid shit that you do when you're out in public with your friends on a special day-or any day if you're anything like us- and just had a kickass time. We ordered our food and were halfway done eating when Olivia's mom's phone went off and meagan answered because it was her mom. She stepped outside and came back in a couple minutes later, but something was wrong, we could tell. "Ms. Crystal, she wants to talk to you," Meagan said as she handed the phone back to Olivia's mom. Her mom stepped out of the resturaunt and meagan sat back down at the table. Oh God, I remember her eyes seeming so distant, and her face just so offset. Of course, me and Olivia wanted to know what was up, so we kept asking her and when she wouldn't tell us, we started guessing. Turns out it wasn't her boyfriend Chris that made her look so out of it; her dogs were fin; as was her mother; so what was wrong? me and olivia just kept playfully laughing and guessing. "C'mon, tell us!" I said. "No, I wasn't supposed to hear, she thought I was Ms. Crystal..but I can't tell you.." she said. "Oh come on!" I shouted. "If Ms. Crystal doesn't tell you when she comes back, I will." And i was just so confused, "Umm..okay?" was all I could say. Nedless to say Olivia's mom came back and pulled me, meagan, olivia, and sergio outside. She sounded like she was about to start crying, and I knew nothing good could come from this conference. "Girls, your friend Lyndsey isn't here tonight because..well..she died earlier today" I couldn't hear anything else. The tears started to pour out, and I just stood there, numb, motionless, weakened. I felt them grab around me and all start hugging me. I couldn't believe that she was gone..it couldn't be true..could it? Unfortunately, it was all true. She, her sister Stephanie and friends Joel and Zach all died in a car crash on I-459 [ a road that I have to drive almost everyday..] on their way to go horseback riding. She was supposed to come over after they got done with that. But she won't come over. She never will. It was the worst news Ive ever heard, and I still expect for her to call or jump on my back or run up hugging me. God i miss her. You don't even know how hard it is to write this right now..
But..it's okay..she's with her sister now. And it's taken me 2 whole months to accept this, but I finally have. Even though I miss her like crazy, I can't have her back.
Lyndsey Leigh Baker..you will always be my lesbian lover. lol I love you babe and miss you forever. But I'll always remember all the fun times we've had at 6 Flags or in our box or just at school. haha Like that time we told those guys that we were lesbians and they stalked us for like a week. lolololololololol God I miss you. :]



This is how I deal.